Safe Journey

Why Does She Stay?

Why does a victim remain in a violent or otherwise abusive relationship? This question bothers even the most compassionate friend or relative of a loved one who seems locked into a life of domestic abuse. It seems fairly straightforward: if a partner begins hurting you, it's time to leave the relationship.

But wait. Why aren't we asking instead, "Why does he batter?" Asking why someone remains in an abusive relationship places responsibility on the victim, and reveals a tendency to blame the victim for any continued abuse. Following is some information that can shed light on the first question, and perhaps offer insight as to how one can best help a friend who is seemingly "stuck" in an abusive relationship.

victims remain in abusive relationships for many reasons, some of which may be known only to the victim. Some of the emotional reasons for staying include:

  • A belief that the violence is temporary
  • With time and enough love the abuser will change
  • Difficulty letting go of a significant relationship, with a partner who was at one time - and perhaps at times still seems to be - caring and affectionate
  • Not wanting the relationship to end, wanting the violence to end
  • Concern for children - that they need the other parent, that to leave would disrupt their lives, that an abuser would hurt them if they tried to leave
  • Believing the abuser who says the violence is the victim's fault
  • The very real fear of increased danger, even murder, if the victim tries to leave

In fact, the most dangerous time for a victim is immediately after leaving an abuser. Research indicates that nearly three of every four victims seeking emergency medical care sustained their injuries after leaving the abuser. Furthermore, nearly half of female intimate partner stalking victims report that the stalking began when or after the victim left the relationship. And finally, half of all homicides of female spouses or partners were committed by men after the women had separated from their batterers.

Many victims eventually overcome what must be incredibly bad odds, and leave their abusers. Yet the average battered woman leaves an abusive relationship seven to eight times before breaking away for good. Batterers put incredible pressures on their partners to return. Apologies that seem sincere, promises that it was the "last time," or very believable threats by the abuser of inflicting serious harm on the victim or someone the victim cares about. Often when a victim returns, the abuse is worse than before - out of revenge, as punishment, or simply because the batterer has realized that once again there were no consequences for the abuse.

Other very real reasons for staying include:
Economics:

  • No access to money, transportation, or housing options
  • Not having a job, or having been forced to leave a job
  • No jobs available or lack of job skills
  • Fear of living in poverty
  • Can't afford to care for children; can't afford child care

Concern for Children:

  • Abuser has economic power, social status or emotional control to gain custody of children
  • Fear that abuser may abduct or hurt children
  • Belief that children need both parents
  • Lack of ability to shelter or care for children without a partner

Family or Religious Pressure:

  • Family denial of or blaming the victim for the violence
  • Family or religious pressure against divorce
  • Fear of shaming the family
  • Lack of support from victim's religious culture

Socialization of Women:

  • A belief that it's her job to keep the family together
  • Shame or guilt about the abuse; it must be her fault
  • Feeling of incompetence to be on her own
  • Shame or guilt about having "chosen" an abusive partner

Lack of Support:

  • Unaware of community resources such as battered women's shelters, advocates
  • Lack of resources, such as in some rural communities
  • Unable to access community resources (e.g., shelter is full, lack of adequate or affordable childcare)
  • Family or friends have "given up" on victim

It is most important to be supportive of a victim along the way. Find out how to help by contacting a local domestic advocacy organization, such as SafeJourney, or other domestic violence prevention resources, such as the Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women.