Safe Journey

In Their Words: Victim Stories*
*Names and particulars have been changed to protect victim confidentiality.

From Victim to Survivor: A Journey of Courage and Resiliency
There are many misconceptions about battered women. Society may view them as being weak and fragile, needy and dependent. We may judge her as being passive and submissive when we see her agreeing with the perpetrator's denial or minimization of the abuse, accepting the perpetrator's promises that it will never happen again, saying she still loves him and continuing to do what he asks.

The reality is that these are effective strategies used by victims to cope and resist abuse. These strategies help to keep her and her children alive. The victim, most often, is working, or going to school, taking care of the children. She is protecting her children. She is not weak and fragile. She is strong and courageous. With the help of others who believe her and are there for her, she can rebuild her life. She can continue to set goals for herself and her children. She is empowered. It is an amazing process to help women who are in significant crisis, and watch them move from being a victim to becoming a victim.

Colleen
I met my prince charming when I was a high-achieving college student. He sent flowers often. He seemed to love having his world revolve around me. He was a college graduate and business professional! Over time, his whispers of love began to sound more like desperation, "I need you, I don't have anyone here but you…" Then jealousy, "You know how it hurts me when you share your time with anyone else." Eventually he became violently possessive, pushing me around if he even thought I'd had a conversation with another man, accusing me of having affairs.

Then came the degradation. Already struggling with self-esteem, I was told that I'd gotten fat, that I wasn't as smart as I'd seemed, that no one else really cared about me. If I tried to respond, or to stand up for myself, I got the back of his hand, or worse. I deserved it, he said, for talking back to him.

I tried to break up at least three or four times, but he always reminded me of how good he was to me, how all he wanted to do was to take care of me, and how foolish I would look if I walked away from such a great catch. Before long, I was isolated from friends and family, with nowhere to turn and no one I could trust.

The serious physical abuse began the day after we were married, while moving into our new house in a new town. I became a prisoner in that beautiful house. He convinced me our phone was tapped. Doors were locked from the inside with a key that he kept on him. We had no second car. This couldn't be my life - it made no sense to me - but here it was - and I didn't know what to do. And I didn't leave.

After I became pregnant I would be temporarily relieved, knowing he wouldn't beat me in the days before my prenatal doctor appointments, and never where marks would show. He would stay with me throughout the entire clinic visits. He acted like he cared. During our last prenatal appointment I asked him if he would get me a glass of water. He did, and offered to again, if I'd like. He fixed my pillow and held my hand and was especially affectionate.

Once home, he became enraged that I had demeaned him in public by asking him to serve me. He picked me up by my neck, strangling me, as he smashed my head into the wall. Finally he released me to fall on the floor, stomped on my belly, and asked if I'd learned my lesson.

I knew that night I'd have to leave soon or die trying. He told me, "If you ever try to leave me, I'll kill you! You'll never get away!" I knew he meant it. He'd already killed the unborn baby.

Years later, safe, having fled to another part of the country, I lived in silent shame, and fear, and guilt. One day I confessed to a doctor what caused my hearing loss in one ear, and constant ringing in the other. He called a SafeJourney advocate to meet me. I was offered dignity and compassion, understanding and acceptance. It was hard to believe that someone really cared. My advocate helped me to believe in myself, heal my broken self, and move on in peace.

Inez
Thanks to SafeJourney, I am a free woman.

It took coming to America and meeting a SafeJourney advocate for me to wake up from the nightmare that was my life. I suffered abuse and battering for 13 years. I knew the kind of life I wanted to live but I had long since lost any hope of achieving it.

I came to America hoping that the change would bring out the softer side of my husband and that we could live a normal life. That did not happen.

I got a job, met a lot of women, and believed that everyone else had happy marriages. Only mine was violent and painful, I thought. I always felt that I somehow deserved it. I told no one. On the days he would beat me, I would wear extra makeup and literally put my "game face" on.

The last time he beat me, he said I was his "property" and that he had the right to kill me if he wanted. The look in his eyes scared me more than his words. The next day, both of my eyes were swollen and my vision was blurred; both of my legs had been stomped on repeatedly. But two things were different about that morning. I was angry, and I was determined never to be hit again.

I was tired, and in terrible pain. While I was in the Emergency Room, I saw a SafeJourney poster on the wall. I called their number and met with an advocate. I told her everything. I felt better.

She helped me plan safety measures and referred me to places that could help me. I realized for the first time I could break free from my horrible life, that I had a shot at happiness. SafeJourney helped me get an Order for Protection. A police officer came to our home and gave my husband 10 minutes to pack his things and leave.

SafeJourney connected me with an Immigrant & Refugee advocate, and to the Immigrant Law Center. Whenever things got bad, I would call SafeJourney and an advocate would walk me through my crisis and assure me that could make it without him.

I come from a long line of abused women. I lost a cousin to domestic abuse. She was beaten to death, her body dumped like a heap of trash near her home. She was killed shortly before I came here and at her funeral I held her hand in the coffin and promised her that I would somehow put an end to abuse in our family.

Today I can say I have kept that promise. Because of SafeJourney's dedication to end domestic abuse, they have caused a new phenomenon in my family. No woman has ever walked away and lived to tell their story. Not only am I safe, but my children and my children's children will be safe too.

Eventually, I hope to be a SafeJourney volunteer and I hope to use my life experience and my journey to freedom as an example of what is possible.

Susan
When I was a 30-ish mother of two young children, I was assaulted by my husband for the last time. He didn't like the way I had put the dishes away, and demanded I do it over. That night I said, "No." I had had enough.

My eight-year-old daughter took the phone, hid in the closet, and called 911. An ambulance brought me to the Emergency Room at North Memorial where medical staff treated me and called SafeJourney. The SafeJourney advocate came and met with me and provided options and resources. Together, we developed a safety plan and arranged for photographs and documentation of my injuries.

Every victim must decide for herself when she is ready to make changes in her life. That night, with the help of the SafeJourney advocate, I was ready. We began the process of obtaining an Order For Protection. My children and I moved first to a battered women's shelter, then into an apartment near their school. I began attending a SafeJourney support group.

Due to my injuries, I was away from my job for several weeks, which created a tremendous financial strain. SafeJourney provided me with emergency funds to help with paying rent, buying food, and enrolling in a course to increase my career options.

After a year of continuing education, I have become a Licensed Realtor. I joined a company with a very supportive work culture. My co-workers joined in a discussion facilitated by the human resources manager about how to take security measures to help me be safer. They helped me to stop constantly looking over my shoulder. The human resources manager conducted training for all staff about domestic violence and asked if I was willing to share my story.

I am no longer a victim, I am a Survivor, rebuilding my life free of violence. My children are finally doing well. My oldest child's grades had begun to drop, but he is back to getting high marks. My youngest is still just a little bit afraid of the dark.

Today I gratefully share my story with others, in an effort to educate health care and business professionals, and the general public about the challenges of domestic abuse. It is so very difficult for victims to seek help, and so essential that the health care environment and workplace offer assistance to victims of domestic violence.

Through my encounters with North Memorial, SafeJourney, and my caring company, I have regained the confidence to move forward with my life. I still attend a SafeJourney support group, and now I mentor other young women who are struggling to leave abusive relationships.